Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
