the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
