im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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