so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
