I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
