Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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