So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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