I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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