When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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