Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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