Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
