just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
