Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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