Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
