help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
