rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
