so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
