he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
