i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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