the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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