You're so nebulous sometimes
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
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Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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