i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
