Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
