...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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