I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
