my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
