In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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