Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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