Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
