Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
