I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
