On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
