a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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