I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
