My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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