I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I AM VODKA MAN
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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