as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
