Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
His hands were made for my vagina.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
