I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
