You smell like a Billy Joel song
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
