I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
