pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
