Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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