My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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