you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
