one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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