This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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