chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
