i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
