I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
