If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
