rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
