it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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