Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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