he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
