how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
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