be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
