I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
