Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Umm I'm too high to move.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
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In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
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MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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