I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
