Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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