I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
