So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
