my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Operation Purity has been aborted
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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