But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
