cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
