I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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